Another year, another decade

The end of 2009 finds me in a very thoughtful time of my life. I thought I would blog to reflect on what was an interesting decade…

In 2000, I ended a tough 4 years at UM to graduate with my friends. We struggled, but we made it together. I met some life-long friends during that time, and for the first time in 4 years, we’d be all going our separate ways. Right after graduation, I left and went to Mexico to stay 2 months in the mountains in Guanajuato. Ha! What a program! I think I learned absolutely nothing in those classes, but I had a great time bumming around Mexico with my dear friend J. I was bumming because I was broke after being pick pocketed in week 3/8 in Mexico City.  J and I had so many funny times in that program.  My host family was very interesting and I was introduced to some herbal remedies that I actually continue to use to this day.

I came back to start the process of figuring out what I was going to do with my life. I stayed in the same city and worked a bunch of random jobs. During this 3 year period, I met some wonderful friends and got closer to ones I had already met but hadn’t spent much time with.  It was these relationships that helped me get to the next phase, which landed me in Atlanta.

I remember that first trip down there. I was so nervous but my then boyfriend assured me that I would be ok, and that there were tons of opportunities there for me to explore my real career interests.  It was hard not to join in the enthusiasm and soon after, I moved for the first time out of my home state. I was so scared, but strangely, I didn’t have a big culture shock from the move. I really loved the area, and I went home often during the first couple of years, but eventually fewer times. The grad program I moved for lasted 2 years, and I spent two additional years working for some health agency.  The experience was very valuable and I was finally settling into a career path that made sense to me.  I met more wonderful people, but lost contact with many others. Every where I went though, I was blessed to find supportive people and wonderful friends. I

By the time 2007 came along, I was moving again to Baltimore, where I am still located today. I decided that I wanted to go back to school again, and this has been the toughest decision. The decision to start wasn’t so difficult, but trying to figure out how to get through it has been very tough. I’m still hanging in there though, and these 3 years have been the toughest I’ve had ever. I’ve seen some serious disappointments, lost some very close family members, been disappointed by many friends, and just not been emotionally, mentally, and physically where I think I ought to be. However, I do know that all of these things do make you stronger and after it all, I will be even better than I was before. And I wasn’t so bad, by the way.

I am so thankful for the friendships that I’ve made along the way and for my family. Even though I am still disappointed by many things and unsettled in many feelings, I trust that it will all work out some day, and soon.

2010 is going to be a pivotal year and I’m ready. Let’s go!

Today was a really long day.  Now that I am home, and I was really glad to get home, I kind of wish I wasn’t. It’s so quiet.

Finally

I am happy to announce that I am sleepy. I haven’t been sleepy in days and I’m going to pray that I am able to not only fall asleep but stay sleeping until 6am.

On a side note, I’ve decided to ramp back up on the exercise and boy am I sore tonight! that might prove to be a problem in a few hours, but if it is, at least there might be results in the future. I’m just going to keep working and do the best that I can to stay on track. I really need to lose about 20 pounds, which sounds like so much to me right now. I’m going to try not to worry about that so much as just being consistent with the exercise and making healthy choices for food (and that means not vegging out on pizza and cake because it might make me feel better for about 10 minutes).  I have been exercising some so I’m going to go full speed ahead, making sure to be consistent and varying my workouts so I don’t get tired of doing the same thing. Tomorrow, I’m headed after work to the dance aerobics class that I go to on Mondays, and it will likely be fun, as usual.  Hopefully in the next two months I’ll at least slim up a little so that I can fit my size 10s again. I’d be happy with that and some extra muscle tone. I also don’t like the whole overweight BMI status thing and the ridiculous body fat composition measurement. I just want to be healthy, and this is a step in the right direction. Fitness, here I come!

Also, i got no work done.. I am going to have to figure out what to do about that.

Time to get to work

Well, now that I’ve spent a couple of sleepless nights stewing about my relationship woes, I’m ready to get to work and focus on something else. So school it is.  I’ll report back later.

ARRGH!

Well, I was all calm this morning when I posted but now I’m all amped. I am upset because it amazes me how people seem to assume that because you aren’t super dramatic or that you appear to be quiet and reserved that you must be naive, inexperienced, and whatever else you can come up with. I am in fact none of those things, and even if I don’t say anything, my eyes are always open. I am a feeler and I am very in tune to changes in behaviors. I might not say anything right away but you can bet that I am paying attention.  I don’t necessarily ask a lot of questions, but I’m always listening and watching.  AND IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW, DAMN IT YOU DO NOW!

End rant.

When I don’t want to talk to anyone in particular, at least not in person, I always find myself turning back to my trusty blog to help me process my thoughts and to vent.  Thinking back, that is why I initially started a blog in the first place, in 2004 (the one I deleted in my disappearing act phase), and this one has primarily served that purpose since then.  I haven’t written much this year mostly because I’ve been busy with work and school, but I think it would help me to sort out some feelings.

School is at a stand still. I am not being productive and I am unable to focus. I have to figure out how to get past my block before it is too late. I have come too far to let it all go now. I’m just so tired.

I made an effort to open myself up after my last very painful relationship and while it doesn’t appear that it is going to work out, I can’t say that I would have done anything different. I previously said that if I was going to try, then I was going to really do so, without having a wall around me or holding back my feelings. In addition, I said that I would just be me, something I hadn’t been really doing in a couple of years.  Well, it was a worthwhile attempt, but maybe it was just a classic case of right person, wrong time, well, depending on who you ask.  It wasn’t the wrong time for me. I don’t know. I’d say that maybe it was time for me to step back and just focus on me, but really, I’ve been doing or attempting to do that for years.  I say years because even in my last relationship, I was very alone. At any rate, I’m not going to be anxious because I think things will happen in this area when they are supposed to. Maybe they aren’t supposed to. Whatever the case, I will do my best to find contentment.

I’ve had a cold all week and I’m quite annoyed that it seemed to be going away, then I went and got myself all upset and feel like a mess again.

Luckily I have my trusty cat sitting next to me trying to keep me company. She is such a mess, and I’m glad to always have her company.  I just wish she’s stop tearing up my blinds. Doesn’t she realize that I have to pay for that crap when we move?!?

I had a pleasant visit last week with my sister and that’s not something I’ve said many times. Like an extended visit. I just remember the last two being so bad that I was worried about this one too. However, we had a nice time, and it was great to have some family around again.

Well, I think those are the gripes for now.  I guess I’ll go write something and act like I want to be in school. I do. Really.

CR

Still among the living

It has been so long since I’d posted here. I was completely lost in trying to figure out the new (maybe not really new? but new to me) dashboard layout. Any rate, I’m here. I suppose that I haven’t had any thing interesting or irritating to write about. I’m kind of a routine now that includes school, work, eat, sleep, repeat. I’m looking forward to this phase being over and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, that is, until I turn into the next tunnel… The joy of pursuing a PhD I guess is that there are many different challenges, but once you get through one, the next is not exactly like the first so at least it’s not a lot of the same garbage.

On a side note, I do have a random statement about how rumors are started! I work at a hospital (still) and one of my friends who works at a building across the street from the same hospital says to me today all excitedly, “You don’t have to go to work today do you? You should not go to the hospital if you don’t have to! You know they’ve had a case of swine flu over there, don’t you?!”  Since I’ve been studying all morning, I hadn’t heard anything (and more importantly because there isn’t anything to hear.  Instead of rolling with the rumor, I asked her how she knew there was one because I didn’t hear of any reported cases in this state yet, and she says, well they sent it in our electronic work newsletter. Let me find it and forward it to you. She sends me a link to a site talking about how the hospital will be prepared to handle any cases if there are any to appear and that while they didn’t have any suspected or confirmed cases yet, that you should not go to the hospital unless you need treatment for something, anything. How does that translate to someone has been identified in one’s mind, I don’t know, but that’s the stuff of which rumors are made. And that’s not a cool one to perpetuate.

Anyway, I’m going to take my complaining self to work now and be a good worker.  Adios!

~CR

Funny article

For your entertainment, see the linked article. What a nut…

Not failing… yet!!

Aw man! I thought I was failing this one class I am taking and just realized that I’m not failing at all. I just thought I’d share that since that had been a major headache for the last 2 months.. Here’s to getting through finals without failing. *cheers!*

Because Bluez told me to.. ;-)

She said I’m MIA!! I KNOW MI “MF” A when I see it and that’s not me!! LOL (never mind me.. It’s one of my current rants that will need to be blogged elsewhere…)

Five names you go by

1. Constant (of course!)

2. Spanky (which is some ridiculousness the girl I call “Roommie” calls me. I don’t actually go by that but she continues to call me that anyway)

3. Lynn (some friends and family call me that)

4. Red (a childhood nickname that stuck)

5. My real name! (Which is constant rain, of course)

Three things you are wearing right now

1. A pink sweater

2. Jeans

3. Black socks

Two things you want very badly at the moment

1. Dinner

2. Sleep

Three people who will probably fill this out

1. Scribe
2. LCCB
3. Autumn

Two things you did last night

1. Surfed the internet

2. Read about latent variable regression.

Two things you ate today

1. A salad that i just remembered that I left at work. Shoot…

2. Some bread that I baked for my friend that didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.

Two people you last talked to on the phone

1. My sister

2. Mom

Two things you are going to do tomorrow

1. Community service at a women’s shelter

2. Study

Two longest car rides

1. I guess from MI to southern MS. It was a very painful trip to my brother’s wedding. (LOL!) The wedding itself wasn’t painful, just the 16 hour drive that I did mostly by myself although I had a perfectly capable driver in the STINKING CAR. OH I’m angry just thinking about it.

2. Driving from GA to MD when I moved here while towing my car, listening to the cat scream like she was being killed the entire way, and arguing with my ex.

Two of your favourite beverages

1. Now it’s gingerbread chai latte.

2. Red grape juice