So many things going through my mind, and it is all keeping me from getting the rest that I need. It’s also making my stomach hurt, so I’ve decided to blog a little tonight. You always know when something is going on with me because I’ll post 20 random posts in 5 days! Perhaps that was a slight exaggeration, but the point remains that blogging is very therapeutic for me.  From the very beginning, 4 years ago in September, I began blogging to express the feelings that I had at that time that were weighing me down. I have never been very consistent with keeping any sort of diary, journal or anything like that. However, an occasional rant or posing random questions helped me get through the mess that I was dealing with at the time.  Four whole years later, a lot has changed, while not much has changed all at the same time.  I bring up the beginning of my blogging experience because as I am coming to a beginning of a new chapter of my life, it’s almost like I’ve returned to the place that I was when I arrived here. I was so unsure about so many things.  I felt unwanted, insecure about myself, and just plain old bad.  I didn’t know what I was doing in terms of a career, but I was going on my gut feeling and revelation I had been seeking about my future in some health related field, and was stepping out into the unknown on sheer faith alone.  I was also trying so hard, too hard, to be convincing to myself and others of my loyalty, and self worth.  I was chasing a desire to be loved but I ended up feeling lower than ever.  Health wise, I felt pretty good, with the occasional stomach issue here and there, because of my tendency to internalize my discontent such that it affects me physically.  Some time after that, I felt much better emotionally, more confident, content, even while being unsure about so many different things, but overall positive– like if nothing, I was moving in the right direction.  Now, I’m feeling pretty good physically (meaning that I’m breathing well), starting to get back into my physical activity, especially given my summer ice cream thing, with exception to these stress induced physical issues.  Unfortunately, I’m  tempted to slide down the pole to another emotional low.  And my stress is self imposed, as before. I take so much time making myself feel bad about everything wrong that I do. It’s like the worse that I make myself feel, the more I feel like I have “paid” for whatever I’ve done.   And while that doesn’t make sense as I write it, it’s what I do, and sometimes it’s not because I’ve actually “done” anything, but because I just feel bad and don’t know what to do with those emotions.  I really feel like the scum of the earth, and very much insecure, unsure, undesirable, detestable, and all sorts of other terrible stuff.   I allow emotions triggered by circumstances, changes, and general instability to make me feel bad about myself.  I’m stating all of that just to reaffirm the fact that as bad as I feel, I choose to be positive, and to think about all of the many things I have to be thankful for, and how many really wonderful things there are about me.  I’ve got so much to look forward to, and while I’m going on a similar hunch before in terms of the career, I feel like it’s a move in the right direction.  I may not be articulate, and may not express my feelings to others in the best way.  But I’m not the scum of the earth.  I’m just me, and on most days, that’s a great thing.  One day, someone will love me for just that.  Well, I take that back. Someone does, and what on earth would I do without Him?